Geriatrics

My heart aches for those elderly who are being cared for in "new"and "strange" surroundings. I'm not speaking from my days of studying geriatrics but from my own personal experiences with family members as well, towit: my own mother, father in law and presently, mother in law. "Replacing" an elderly person in a different environment, different from their own home, is much like replanting a plant from one pot to an other. While we may give it all the loving and tender care by providing it with water, fertilizer and sunlight we still see the plant slowly withering away and die prematurely. In only very few cases do we find that this occurs because of a pre-existing biological problem of the plant. We find that the main problem with a replanted plant is that the soil in the new location makes the difference. If the soil was different the likelyhood of a plant dying was extemely high.

Now, can I compare an individual's home with the soil of a plant? Yes I do. Imaging we would be moved, one day, to a nice and comfortable hotel and be provided with all that we needed to live on, including some luxuries; those around us would be friendly, loving and would express themselves as willing to do anything to make us happy in our new situation. How long would we be content? No matter how well we are being "taken care of" the feeling of "being on vacation" would wear off after a while and miscontent, sadness, unhappiness and boredom would set in. "Home-sickness" would gradually get worse and we would see the development, out of self-interest and preservation, of new behaviors as a substitution for unmet needs.

A person's security and emotional/psychological comfort zone lies in the familiar surroundings (the "soil") that he/she lived or grew up in. The pictures on the wall, the rugs on the floor, the chair they used to sit in for so many years, the knick- knacks around the home as reminders of of past adventures and experiences, a kitchen that had a place for everything where they could find things blind folded, a look out the window at a familiar scene, a garden, people that would visit or they would visit, a creaky door or floor, etc. etc. All that is the "soil" we cannot replace when we have to take care of an aged family member.
I've learned mostly through the "school of hard knocks" that, no matter how much you do, how much you care, how much you love them, you still get the feeling sometimes you are not doing enough or you are not appreciated for what you do.

Love them and remember, as our parents, they changed our poopy diapers each day and didn't scold us for messing up. They worked all their life to provide for us. And if they didn't leave a cent in inheritance, for us? Hurray, they spent it the way they chose to. I saw a bumper sticker on a camper one day that read, "We are spending our childrens' inheritance" which I thought was great. Unless the person is mentally incapable (?) we cannot/should not try to change their behaviors, unless it is against "house rules," when those observed behaviors were there already, and acceptable, when we grew up with them. As kids, we thought our parents had "oddeties" but when my mother moved in with us we didn't try to change that. That was what made her special. That was what made her "our" mother. No greater love was grown and experienced than during the time we took care of my mother and later my father in law and at the present time my mother in law. I would not have wanted to have missed this for anything. Was it hard on us and difficult? YES! Would we do it again? YES!

A come back

Has is really been that long ago? Actually I missed blogging for a long time but became addicted to reading and commenting on FaceBook. I have missed communicating with people who communicate in an "intelligent" language. Like General Mac Arthur, I too say now: "I shall return."

"Out of the mouth of Babes" or "The Small Child"

Many years ago there lived an emperor (empress, you or I) who loved beautiful new clothes so much (approval of the world) that he/she spent all his/her money (time) on being finely dressed (following "modern" trends such as in speech or behaviors). His/her only interest was in going to the theater or in riding about in his carriage (showing: hey, I'm hip, I am with you and "modern times") where he could show off his new clothes (having no shame or second thoughts about his/her behavior). He/she had a different costume (behavior) for every hour of the day. Indeed, where it was said of other kings that they were at court, it could only be said of him that he was in his dressing room (His/her behavior is still hidden from the world. He/she is now living life of: use of inappropriate speech, immoral dress standards, drug use, immoral physical activities, promiscuity, illegal activities)!

One day two swindlers (people out of his/her own peer group) came to the emperor's city. They said that they were weavers, claiming that they knew how to make the finest cloth imaginable (telling him/her: hey, what you are doing is not all that bad, let's get out of the closet and be more open about what you are doing in secret, the world is now accepting what you are doing). Not only were the colors and the patterns extraordinarily beautiful, but in addition, this material had the amazing property that it was to be invisible to anyone who was incompetent or stupid (evil became known as good and good became known as evil).

We all know the rest of the story. He/she became more and more blatant in the behavior and as time went on it became obvious to all to what extent he/she had deviated from the normal.

Ode to a great woman

Today, of all days, my thoughts go back many years. It was on a beautiful, fall, Sunday morning, with church bells ringing throughout the land, that I saw, for the first time, the light of day and took my first breath of air. All this as a result of a couragious woman who decided, in a very difficult and embarrasing situation, with no family or financial support, and in a little attic bed room, to give birth to a child, instead of to abort. Because of her couragious and faithful act, I am he who I am, and you, my five children, sixteen grand-children and (by latest count) seven and a half great-grand-children, are who and where you are today, because of her. All of us came forth, and are today, of this queenly woman we know as Wilhelmina. Even at her birth, all of us were already present in her procreative parts of her body and destined to come forth out of her at some future time.

She was very futuristic in her thinking and must have seen much of the problems ahead of her days. Let me just paraphrase some of her ideas. In her own life and marriage, she saw the beginning of a consumer culture of marriage were commitments would last as long as the other person would be meeting their needs. All her life she believed in commitments, because she knew that committed relationships are good for us, but that powerful voices coming from the inside and outside would tell her that she would be sucker if she settled for less than she thought she needed and deserve in her marriage. She believed in marriage and gave it all she could give to stay in it.

She said that if we would be serious about renewing fatherhood and motherhood, we must be serious about renewing marriage. She lived the way she talked when she said, from her own experience, that healthy marriages would not always be possible, but that we must remember, they are incredibly important for children. Many of her choices in her marriage had to do with that philosophy. A father to her was a husband to whom she was married to and not a visiting friend. Having had a father in our home made our home a place where I learned the value of having a father and a mother.

Today I am thinking of her and I know that she is thinking of me, too, today, this crispy but sunny and mild fall weather day.

Life has a second verse.

Life has a second verse; and it is good to sing the chorus a little more intense.

Remember, we don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.

Just pondering

Today, again, is a wonderful day. It's a good day to let your mind wander and wonder and let your mind and fingers do the walking over the keyboard.

It's color I want, not black and white;
Color in my thinking,
Color in my soul,
Color in my feelings,
Color in my relationships,
A colorful life.

Sunshine works delicious wonders
Rain refreshes
Wind gives you a jolt
Snow cheers you up
There is no bad weather,
only different kinds of good weather.

The Best Medicine
Everyday I swallow pills and count drops;
Medicine is a sure support to healing.
But the best medicine you don't get in the pharmacy,
The best medicine is the joy for life, together,
with deep gratitude, courage, confidence, faith and love.
The best medicine are the people, who I am attached to.

Vertrauen: Ein Seelen-Geschenk und Fundament unserer Gesellschaft

Gutten Morgen und hier ein Antwort auf deine Frage von gestern, in deine eigene Sprache.

An viele Stellen spuere ich in diesen Tagen, wie zerbrechlich das Fundament ist, auf dem unsere Zivilisation ruht: das Vertrauen. Aschwer ist es aufzubauen und schnell zu zerstoeren. Luegen, Skandale, Betruegereien, Verrate, Affaeren, Korruption fordern ihre Opfer und missbrauchen deren Vertrauen schaendlich. Dabei gehoert "Vertrauen" zu dem tragfaehigsten Gut unserer Gesellschaft.

Ohne Vertrauen koennen wir gar nicht leben: Wir vertrauen darauf, dass unser Herz den naechsten Schlag tut, dass die Sonne immer wieder aufgeht und wir den Tag, den wir beginnen, auch bewaeltigen werden.

"Vertrauen" ist gut, Misstrauen schaedlich" hat der bekannte Psychoanalytiker Horst-Eberhard Richter gesagt und an vielen Stellen beschrieben, dass Vertrauen bereits in unserer Kindheit entsteht und damit zusammenhaengt, welche Einstellung man schon als kleines Kind zur Welt gewinnt. Waechst ein Kind in eine Welt hinein, auf die es sich verlassen kann oder muss es aufpassen, dass es nicht zu kurz kommt, bereit sein, sich zu wehren und zu misstrauen? Vertrauen ist ein Seelen-Geschenk.

Menschen, die nicht mehr vertauen koennen , verschliessen das Fenster ihre Seele. Wer nichts und niemandem mehr vertrauen will, begibt sich in eine geistige Gefangenschaft. Vertrauen ist das tragfaehigste und eben auch zerbrechlichste Fundament, auf dem wir Menschen immer wieder neue Gemeinschaften bauen.

Und obwohl fast jede Biografie von mindestens einem Vertrauensbruch berichten kann, bleibt am Ende die Erkenntnis: Menschen, die vertrauen koennen, sind gluecklicher und selbstsicherer als andere, die stets muehsam ihr Misstrauen ueberwinden muessen. Vertrauen kann immer wieder gebrochen werden - aber es ist auch immer wieder neu erlernbar.

You have a wonderful day - I have!